The 60-second Connection

 

Would you like to create a stronger connection with someone in very little time?  Because, sometimes, that's all the time you have? 

 

Whether you are a customer service rep, a nurse, a salesperson, a manager, or meeting your future mother-in-law for the first time, it pays to know how to build stronger connections in short order. 

 

What's the secret?  Connect with empathy. 

 

Follow these steps, repeating them as many times as necessary.

 

1.  Get Focused:

As your friend, co-worker, boss, complaining customer, meddling neighbor, inquiring future mother-in-law expresses, remain silent and do not interrupt.  Yes, it might feel close to a body pain remaining silent until the end of the talker's sentence, but it can pay off in spades:  you gain more information.  The more people talk, the more they reveal themselves, their thinking and their needs.

 

If you find yourself thinking about what you're going to say next, you are not listening - you are waiting for you turn to talk.  Quickly turn your attention back to the person's words.  Repeat them in your mind if you must.  If you have a paper and pencil, write down the talker's key words and phrases (yours too).   This helps focus your mind on the important stuff.  

 

2.  Get Verbal:

Now that the other person has finished complaining, nagging, micro-managing, presenting, etc., it's your turn to talk.   Don't just nod or smile, grunt or moan.  Construct a complete sentence using the other person's key words and phrases.   In other words, an "aaaww" in response to someone who is sad isn't specific enough to show a friend you are listening.  Similarly, a "wow" is not enough to connect to a customer who's told you a huge problem.   Of course, an "hmm-mm" doesn't mean anything at all.

 

To listen empathically, respond with words.  As British playwright Tom Stoppard once said "Words are sacred.  If you get the right ones in the right order, you can nudge the world a little."

 

So what are the right words in the right order when it comes to connecting with empathy?

 

Specifically, label the feeling and provide detail. 

 

"I realize it can be confusing (feeling) to fill out so much paperwork during such a stressful time" (detail) is much better than "I understand your frustration".  You see, "I understand your frustration" does not provide detail.  Also, there are so many ways to say frustration, that when you label everything as frustration it comes out shallow. 

 

Striving for an accurate feeling label makes you a better listener, makes you more alert, more engaged, more present.  Striving for accuracy is a brain trick, if nothing else, to staying focused.  But the real benefit is that when you are accurate, people feel heard.  (Note:  This might mean you'll want to expand your emotional vocabulary.  Become an avid reader, writer and orator.)

 

Most important, whatever you say, be sure it's sincere.  None of this will ever work if your message doesn't sound sincere.  Sounding sincere is usually a lot easier of you really are sincere.  It's called authenticity.  Find your authentic self. 

 

3.  Get Connected:

You know you've empathized correctly if you get a "yes!"to your empathic response.  Even better if you get a "Yes, you understand", or "Finally, someone who understands!" 

 

Connection happens when people feel heard.  And "yes" is a very powerful connecting word.  This is your entry point to influence.

Do you want to advise a patient about a course of action?  Do you want to inform a customer about the correct process to follow?  Do you want to tell your employee how to improve?  Do you want to let your future mother-in-law know your many positive traits? 

 

Connect then influence.

 

There you have it:  the 60-Second Connection