Recently in Everyday Communicating Category

Are you in the middle of conflict? In CCL's (Center for Creative Leadership) July newsletter, you will find a quick yet comprehensive article on calming conflict.

What I took out of it was their suggestion on the positions/destructive responses to avoid, which I will translate as questions to ask yourself (for self-awareness, emotional management and relationship building). You could also ask this of another in case they are in the middle of conflict. Those questions are:

* Am I/Are you taking the position to win at all costs?
* Am I/Are you displaying anger?
* Am I/Are you demeaning others?
* Am I/Are you retaliating?
* Am I/Are avoiding?
* Am I/Are you yielding?
* Am I/Are you hiding emotions?
* Am I/Are you self criticizing?

Be sure to click on "return to issue" for even more articles on conflict management.

Early in December I took an hour to attend a webinar given by Crucial Conversations. Good little webinar (actually tele-seminar). They are repeating it on January 6. 2005. They have a pretty good e-zine too. Sign up for it on their home page.

Here are some of my own notes from the tele-seminar:

In my last EQ class I had a rich example of using the an emotionally intelligent method for resolving conflict.

The class participant was a musician and she was having a problem with another member of the orchestra who would move around in his seat while he was playing his intrument to the point of distraction. It annoyed her to no end. She just wanted to tell him "stop it!" But just telling him to "stop it!" isn't the most emotionally intelligent way to communicate something, now is it?

Instead, we talked about how her feelings of annoyance began to interfere with her own playing. I call this performing an "emotional autopsy" on the situation. Why was this annoying to her? Was it just her, or were others feeling it too? Was it a situation that had reached a point where they simply had to talk about it to resolve it? Had she already tried mental or even physical methods to avoid distraction?

In analyzing it, she discovered she just had to say something.

So we worked out a speaking model to bring up the issue with the colleague:

1. Fact: Hey, Chuck (all names are made up), you may not know it, but when we were in rehearsal today and yesterday as well, you got really into it and began moving around in your seat, rocking back and forth and even lifting off your seat once or twice.
Remember to state facts that are observable and recent. Don't say "you always move around", and watch emotional words like "you always move around so violently."

2. Feeling: When that happens, I feel distracted.
State your feelings in a way that you own them. This takes some thinking time on your part to really identify what it is you are feeling and what feeling word would best reach the person you are talking to. For example, it wouldnt be helpful to say "you annoy me."

3. Positive Hope: I was hoping that I could concentrate on playing my best...
When stating your positive hope, notice that it's something you own. For example, don't say, "I was hoping you could stop it." This isn't a hope and save the request for the next step.

4. Request: ...so, would it be OK if I could tap you on the shoulder the next time this happens so that we can all concentrate on playing?
Remember to make a request that is do-able on the part of the listener. It wouldn't be realisitic to say to your friend, "could you just stop doing that?" beause your friend might not even be aware of what he's doing it!

It sat well with the participant, but, sadly, I don't know if she tried it out and if she did, what the result was. (If you are out there A, please leave me a comment to let me know how it went!)

What do you think?

In this article, my hero, Dr. Phil, writes his views on talking and listening. Plain and simple, but effective.

What rules are you breaking? What rules will you implement tomorrow?

We all know words are powerful. But did you know there's a non-profit organization trying to spread the message that words can heal? They are called Wordscanheal.org, and I've added a link to them in my blogroll (over there, bottom right).

It's worth a perusal. I especially like their communications pledge, and their newsletters (which you can subscribe to for free) are often good. One of their best isn't listed on the archive list yet, but I got it as an email attachment (no url). So, I'm going to figure out how to put an email attachment into a post, so you can read it. In the meantime, check it out.

Communicating effectively during difficult moments takes practice, coaching and skill. But communicating effectively during �no-brainer� moments, should be, well, a no-brainer! What I�m getting at is that I have a pet peeve about how poorly people say hello when making a telephone call. And it�s such a no-brainer moment! (I won�t just complain; I�ll also provide a suggestion for an effective hello.)

Communicating with emotional intelligence takes practice and discussion. In this blog, I hope to do just that: I�ll present an interaction between two people and invite you to practice along with me (because I�m always learning too). What would be the emotionally intelligent thing to say/do?

I�m running late for work because I forgot to put the garbage cans away from yesterday�s garbage pickup. I notice I�m not the only one, though. My neighbor is doing the same; she smiles a commiserating smile and I nod back. Need coffee, so I stop for my fave, and the line at the coffee shop is long. I get impatient, but understand it�s fully my fault (how evolved, I think, taking ownership for my own actions � a wrinkle in my brain). I accidentally give the counter clerk the wrong change and she yells after me as I�m running out the door. I don�t have the correct change and end up having to break a $20 bill for a cup of coffee. I make it to work about 10 minutes late (not bad, considering), I come into work and walk by the receptionist into my work area. I see my manager is in her office and hope she won�t get on my case for being 10 minutes tardy. The phone rings.

I�m only 30 minutes into my work day and I�ve already interacted with half a dozen people (the last one's on hold). Or, more precisely, should I say non-interacted.

You see, non-interacting means I hardly nodded at my neighbor while we worked on an identical task, and didn�t say a word to the person behind or ahead of me waiting in line for coffee. Not to mention that I don�t know the name of the counter girl who�s been pouring my coffee for the last three months and did I even see a receptionist at the receptionist area? And avoiding my manager is a classic case of non-interacting.

Tomorrow I promise I'll avoid the non-interacting mindset.....what perspective will help me do that? What stops me from giving it my focus?

A 21st century perspective: interaction starts at the next opportunity. If not then, when?