How's that for a title?
But I didn't write it -- it's the title of a true story, written in sonnet(ish) form, by someone close to me who suffered a doomed relationship with a brother.
I assert that this is emotionally intelligent expressing at its truest form.
ALL CATS MUST DIE
I saw my brother take a cat and shoot it with a gun.
I saw my brother take a cat and slice it with a knife.
I saw my brother take a cat and stomp it with his shoe.
I saw my brother take a cat and strike it with a car.
I saw my brother sic his dog and gobble up a cat.
"All cats must die," he said out loud.
I don't see my brother any more.
Daniel Goleman makes a presentation at the TED Conference on emotional intelligence. The TEDBlog recaps it by saying:
"Daniel Goleman made a wonderful connection between emotional intelligence and the empathy which will be required -- by all of us -- to make more informed, broader-scope consumption and action decisions in the future. "
Your best read is Ethan Zuckerman's synopsis of Goleman's presentation.
Bruno's review is a little more lean. Read it here (then control f for Daniel Goleman).
"The companies that are going to prevail realize it's the quality of the emotional experience that sets them apart."
Danny Meyer
In an interview with Fast Company magazine, mega-restaurateur Danny Meyer, who has 4 of the top 20 restaurants in Zagat's New York, shares how he hires people in the hospitality business.
FC: Given the reps of Union Square Cafe and Gramercy Tavern, you must get resumes from every great chef and waiter in the city. How do you tell the fois gras from the chopped liver?
Meyer: The most important thing we do is teach our managers how to hire for a certain emotional skill set that yields what we call a hospitalitarian. We want people who have the technical skills we need -- how to clear a table beautifully, how to distinguish between wines, how to chop a perfect brunoise. That's 49% of the equation. The other 51% is emotional skills. You can't teach those skills, but you can teach how to spot them.
FC: What emotional qualities are you looking for?
In his book, Goleman explains social intelligence means being smart in relationships by being empathetic, or being able to sense what others are feeling and their intentions.
The short of it is this:
We spend our working days (we used to call them "careers") uninspired and unproductive because of unsupportive micro-managers, demanding clients, unreasonable delays and impossible requests.
Or as Richard Boyatzis says in his book Resonant Leadership:
A website called Edge asked its community, made up of the most interesting minds in the world, the following question:
What is your dangerous idea?
An idea you think about (not necessarily one you originated) that is dangerous not because it is assumed to be false, but because it might be true?
One contributor sites Emotional Intelligence.
Read about his dangerous idea here (scroll down to, or control f for, John Gottman). Other contributors include phsychologists Mihalyi Csikszentmihalyi and Howard Gardner, neuroscientist V.S. Ramachandran, mathematician Keith Devlin, and many others.
Very provocative stuff...you are bound to get lost in this intellectual sandbox for a delicious chunk of time.
Notice Edge's credo:
To arrive at the Edge of the world's knowledge, seek out the most complex and sophisticated minds, put them in a room together and have them ask each other the questions they are asking themselves.
EQ has hit the mainstream as far as I'm concerned when I see the following magazine that launched in the UK this month. It's called Psychologies and here's their "About Us" blurb:
Welcome to Psychologies, the first women´s magazine that is about what we are really like, not just what we look like. If you are interested in the ways we think, behave, communicate and connect, then this is for you. Whether you want to develop your own potential, or become a better parent, partner or friend, we will bring you the ideas, insights and inspiration to help you do it. We all have more choices and more demands on our time than ever before. In a fast-changing world, the greatest skill we can have is to understand ourselves, and the people around us. With support from experts, who are leaders in the fields of behaviour, personality, emotions and relationships, we will present practical strategies and mind shifting insights to help you develop that understanding, and to live a richer life. I hope that you will find Psychologies.co.uk relevant to your life, thought-provoking and above all, useful.
Oprah, move over. Explore the magazine at their website.
And, also in the UK, there's a magazine called Easy Living that has -- in addition to the standard Fashion, Beauty, and Health sections -- a column on Emotional Intelligence.
It reads like an etiquette column, but with a focus on relationships, tough decisions, and communicating issues.
(Note to self: Explore the connection here to this and to my Miss Conduct/Missy Q opportunity. Hmmmm.)
Self-awareness is a major component of emotional intelligence.
Rather than poo-poo the concept, it's time for more to believe that there's something valid about being "in tune" with your own emotions.
In the article below, Lauren Slater (author of Openning Skinner's Box) tell us why it's OK to think self-help is helpful.
Also, looking for some good self-help? I couldn't find Koocher's list of top self-help books that the article referred to, but I did find the folowing:
About.com's list of the top self-help classics of all time.
Uniersity of Wisconsin's recommendation list.
I went to the “How To Think Like Leonardo� workshop, led by author Michael Gelb, at the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY this past weekend. I signed up for the course because of an interview I read with the author.
So, how’d it go? Here are my thoughts.
There's an interesting magazine out of Australia called "Knowledge of Reality Magazine." It costs to subscribe, but in the spirit of sharing, they have some of their articles available online for free.
I found one on EI and Yoga:
"It has been argued that Goleman’s definition [of EI] is confusing because he has included variables which might be better called ‘personality traits’ than components of EI, and that the included areas reflect his personal biases and interests which include meditation and Eastern philosophy. Goleman’s book, however, contains very little reference to these areas and, considering the failure of western science to grasp the workings of the psyche, it might be worthwhile looking at EI from the perspective of Yoga."
I have been addicted to Survivor since the first season, and can confess that Survivor turned me on to other reality TV shows. From Dr. Phil, to The Bachelor, to Star Search, to The Apprentice, I am no longer embarrassed to say I LOVE these shows.
Are you with me?
Why can we hold our heads high?
According to the Center for Creative Leadership, "the most common reason for career derailment is an inability to relate to people in meaningful ways. Executives who are unable to establish strong interpersonal relationships are described by their bosses, peers, and direct reports as:
� Insensitive.
� Competitive with others.
� Self-isolating.
� Dictatorial.
� Overly critical.
� Overdemanding.
� Easily angered.
� Arrogant.
� Emotionally explosive.
� Manipulative.
� Aloof.
And executives who are perceived as adept at building and managing effective interpersonal relationships are described by their bosses, peers, and direct reports as:
Harvard Business Review once wrote in their 2003 issue on "Breakthrough Ideas for Tomorrow's Business Agenda":
"Emotional intelligence can be used not just to produce harmony...but also to outwit your enemies by giving you the tools to understand and anticipate them." (emphasis mine)
This is brilliant, but a difficult concept to understand, let alone apply. Enter the Yale Harvard rivalry for a terrific example.
The story goes like this: a group of Yale students disguised themselves as the Harvard Pep Club at the 2004 Yale Harvard game and played a phenomenally hilarious practical joke. The Yale students went over to the Harvard side and passed out 1,800 sheets of red and white construction paper. The fans (all Harvard alumni) were told that when Harvard scored, they were to hold up the paper which would read "Go Harvard."
Instead, what did it say? "We Suck."
This is EQ in action, believe it or not! The Yale students capitalized on the Harvard fans' emotions. It was really the only data they needed to play this awesome practical joke. The Yale students used the emotions that were present on the Harvard side to pull off the prank. Emotions such as: trust, rivalry, competition, comradery, teamwork.
To see more about this funny hoax, click here.
And what do you think? How can you study others' emotions to understand them more. For instance, I can't help but think that the next time we get an Osama tape, the translator should tell the world that Osama is saying "I pick my nose and then eat it." Hee hee!
I had a very provocative conversation with one of the instructors who certified me in the MSCEIT (Mayer-Salovey-Caruso Emotional Intelligence Test).
He says he's got trouble with Cooper's ideas about EQ. Precisely, he wondered why Cooper labels qualities such as honesty, courage and creativity as EQ qualities.
David Caruso led the MSCEIT certification seminar I went to. This is an interview on his new book, The Emotionally Intelligent Manager.
Review to follow.
Enjoy this good article that quickly describes Stanford Business School's most popular class called "Interpersonal Dynamics", but affectionately referred to as "Touchy-Feely." Stanford believes that getting along with others is a key leadership skill.
Sounds alot like an EQ class to me! Interested in an EQ class? My EQ class is being held at the Boston Center for Adult Education on August 4th and 11th, 2004, 5:30 - 7:30 p.m. at 5 Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, MA. Another session being held at the same location and time on December 1 and 8th.
Now click to read the article.
I'm surprised how often I find articles in Ladies Home Journal that are quite meaningful. Here are the 7 secrets:
1. Do something genuinely new. (What I call "Be a Life-long Learner.")
2. Reclaim life's meaning.
3. Put yourself in the fun zone. (What I call "Have Fun! Check.")
4. Bid farewell to guilt and regret. (What I call "Misery is Optional.")
5. Keep your flywheel spinning.
6. Make up your mind.
7. Give to get. (What I call "Giver's Gain.")
EQ is more than reading or managing emotions. It's about being aware of your environment. That's why I often think I'd like to change the name of what is referred to as "emotional intelligence." Some have offered "emotional literacy", but I don�t think that covers it either.
I'm leaning toward something like "being aware, or hyper-aware, of your environment." It doesn't sound very glamorous but what I mean is that so many people go around the world not being aware of what's around them! Maybe you've seen these people. Up here in the northeast, they're the drivers who drive after a snow storm with only their front windshield brushed off. Every other part of their car is still piled with snow, but they get on the highway with only the ability to see in front of them. And if they aren't aware of their immediate physical surroundings I wonder how much they pay attention to what's inside their heads, inside the head of others, how they might be perceived, how they are acting.
I mentioned this to a friend who told me a story I call Upside Down Trees. There's a museum in Western Mass that hung a whole bunch of large! potted maple trees upside-down. These are exhibited right at the front door of the museum. Well, one day, my friend is at the front door of the museum paying his way in, when a man and his family walk up to the desk and ask "So, where are the upside down trees?" He had walked all the way from the parking lot to the museum's front entrance right past the upside down trees, and never even noticed them! (Really, you can't miss them; cut and paste this link into your address bar to see a photo of what I'm talking about: http://www.berkshires.org/story.php?f_id=9
Now I don't know for sure if this man could be called emotionally intelligent or not, but I do believe there must be a correlation between being aware of upside down trees and the ability to manage and use emotions in yourself and others as a source of energy, influence, growth and inspiration.
What are you not paying attention to in your immediate environment? Is it time to clean up clutter, paint a room, or clean up your checkbook? What are YOUR upside down trees?
In my training and coaching, when I talk about how feelings are a choice -- about how no one makes you feeling a certain way (only you make you feel a certain way) -- I usually get someone who bites: "I don't buy it. There are simply times when someone does something and it ends up making me feel a certain way." Yes, it's true, I concede. Someone holds a gun to you and you get scared.
Here's one of my favorite articles on the importance of emotional intelligence written by Peter Senge, author of The Fifth Discipline.
Just like Senge, I have found asking for help difficult. But I do remember once, when I was extremely distressed, it was my only option. And it produced the results I needed. I suppose you could say I was a frog in boiling water? (Bert's blog has a very funny post on frogs in boiling water.)
I was horseback riding on a ranch in Wyoming and about six of us went out to bring back a few horses that had wandered off. We had been in back country like no other for three days already. And now we had an important task to attend to. Horses like to run in packs, so when we reached the errant horses, the ones we were riding on instinctively wanted to join the others. We were warned of that beforehand and I felt comfortable with it. But, in a split second I felt my horse take control of the situation, beyond a point I could recover. Without even thinking of any other option, I calmly raised my voice and said firmly, "I need help." Of course, visually they could see I was in need of assistance; instinctively I knew that my screaming would have been redundant. Most efficiently, I got the help I needed -- the guide told me how to regain control and coached me until I was back in control.
I distinctly remember sensing how odd it was to have felt complete helplessness and a complete sense of control all within a span of about 45 seconds. I knew then that those 45 seconds would have been wildly different had I not asked for help. In any event, I sure do hope that means that asking for help is getting easier to do. I believe it has.
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