"Empathy requires the ability to understand how others perceive situations. This perception includes knowing how others feel about a particular set of events or circumstances. Empathy requires knowing the perspective of others and being very able to see things from the value and belief system of the other person. It is the ability to fully immerse oneself in another's viewpoint, yet be able to remain wholly apart. The understanding associated with empathy is both cognitive and emotional. It takes into consideration the reasons and logic behind another's feelings or point of view, while also alowing the empathic party to feel the spirit of a person or thing."
Adele B. Lynn
I like this definition because it talks about how others perceive situations. Perception is reality. So by trying to see how another perceives a situation, you enter their reality. It doesn't mean you have to agree with it. It doesn't even mean you have to feel it or even understand it.
Being empathic allows you to gather the data that supports their reality. The more you know, the better able you are to align and influence.
Take a suicide bomber's perspective.
I know, I know, it's hard. Because the first thing we do with an image of a suicide bomber is focus on our perspective. Our perspective is that the bomber is being murderous, homicidal, angry, destructive, disgusting, reprehensible.
But here's the empathic part: what makes another person get to this point? Can we begin to enter their perspective? What would we find? Can we guess at it? Might his/her perspective be one of hopelessness, despair, feeling unheard, feeling the need to take drastic measures?
Of course, we don't -- we can't -- agree with their actions. But can we begin to perceive their reality?
Empathy is not about agreeing. It's about taking another perspective in order to gain data.
How does our understanding, perception, action change when we view a suicide bomber as hopeless and in despair?
Or, if taking a suicide bomber's perspective is just too difficult, try taking the perspective of an angry spouse, or alienated family member, a rebellious teenager, a scaredy-cat boss, and on and on.
This is what makes empathy so hard.
Sigh.
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