Back in June I started a collaborative relationship with a women who runs her own sales training firm. I was hoping to create a partnership wherein she would help me market and sell my emotional intelligence course and I would add value to her firm by adding to her current course offerings. I was hopeful and enthused.
The relationship ended recently, and not on the best terms.
What derailed us was that I gave her some feedback on her tone which I perceived to be as abrasive and demanding; bossy, rather than collaborative.
Now, of course I could say that what derailed us was that she didn't accept/receive feedback well, but I will take responsibility for what and how I communicated.
As she wrote to me: "When you tried to tell me you did not like the words I used in my emails...I saw someone with a “little mean streak� and the “need to control others� and not someone who was trying to explain how best to be her collaborator."
Why is delivering feedback so hard? Why is accepting feedback so hard?
So I did a little research and found this timely podcast on how to deliver feedback.
It's about 30 minutes long and gives you a model that is very effective (and sounds a lot like Marshall Rosenberg's non-violent communication model).
What I like most is that it talks about the emotions around delivering feedback (such as we're afraid of creating a conflict or afraid of hurting the other's feelings) and how this model keeps you objective and non-emotional.
The model works for both "affirming" (positive) feedback as well as "adjusting" (negative) feedback. The birds-eye view of the model is to use the following words:
1. "May I/Can I..."
2. "When you...."
3. "Here's what happens...."
4. "What are you willing to do/What can you do about that...."
or, if it's affirming feedback, "Thanks, keep it up."
or look at the supporting summary sheet for a more complete birds-eye view.
Notice the first step is to ask first to give feedback, something I didn't do. That would go like this: "R, can I give you some feedback? or "Can I share something with you?" (The podcast tells you what to do if she says no, and tells you what to do if the listener becomes defensive.)
In any event, take a listen to hear more about this feedback model. It's worth the time.
Next I'd like to hear someone talk about how to receive feedback better, because isn't it, after all, a two-way dialog? It's not entirely the responsibility of the person giving feedback, is it? Wouldn't it be easier to give feedback if the listener can also fall back on a model that helps her hear the message? Sigh.
I think that there is a fundamental problem with giving other people negative feedback or adjusting feedback, or whatever you call it. Here's the problem: every person desires to feel important and feel superior to others. It's more than just a desire - it's a craving; it's a hunger. Negative feedback is evidence that maybe they're not so superior or important.
So how can you deliver the evidence without disrupting their need for superiority? One way is to express some personal doubt about the evidence.
This approach is well-expressed by Benjamin Franklin:
"State your case moderately and accurately. Then scratch your head or shake it a little and say that at least it seems that way to you, but, of course, you might be mistaken about it. This causes your listener to receive what you have to say, and as likely as not, to turn around and try to convince you of it since you are in doubt."
Your expression of doubt wipes out the other person's defensive reaction and makes them much more willing to consider your statement.
Can you see how you might have applied this in the situation you described in this post?