An Example of Communicating with Emotional Intelligence

In my last EQ class I had a rich example of using the an emotionally intelligent method for resolving conflict.

The class participant was a musician and she was having a problem with another member of the orchestra who would move around in his seat while he was playing his intrument to the point of distraction. It annoyed her to no end. She just wanted to tell him "stop it!" But just telling him to "stop it!" isn't the most emotionally intelligent way to communicate something, now is it?

Instead, we talked about how her feelings of annoyance began to interfere with her own playing. I call this performing an "emotional autopsy" on the situation. Why was this annoying to her? Was it just her, or were others feeling it too? Was it a situation that had reached a point where they simply had to talk about it to resolve it? Had she already tried mental or even physical methods to avoid distraction?

In analyzing it, she discovered she just had to say something.

So we worked out a speaking model to bring up the issue with the colleague:

1. Fact: Hey, Chuck (all names are made up), you may not know it, but when we were in rehearsal today and yesterday as well, you got really into it and began moving around in your seat, rocking back and forth and even lifting off your seat once or twice.
Remember to state facts that are observable and recent. Don't say "you always move around", and watch emotional words like "you always move around so violently."

2. Feeling: When that happens, I feel distracted.
State your feelings in a way that you own them. This takes some thinking time on your part to really identify what it is you are feeling and what feeling word would best reach the person you are talking to. For example, it wouldnt be helpful to say "you annoy me."

3. Positive Hope: I was hoping that I could concentrate on playing my best...
When stating your positive hope, notice that it's something you own. For example, don't say, "I was hoping you could stop it." This isn't a hope and save the request for the next step.

4. Request: ...so, would it be OK if I could tap you on the shoulder the next time this happens so that we can all concentrate on playing?
Remember to make a request that is do-able on the part of the listener. It wouldn't be realisitic to say to your friend, "could you just stop doing that?" beause your friend might not even be aware of what he's doing it!

It sat well with the participant, but, sadly, I don't know if she tried it out and if she did, what the result was. (If you are out there A, please leave me a comment to let me know how it went!)

What do you think?