In these blogs I will talk a lot about empathy. What it is. How to use it. When to use it. Etc. In this particular blog, I�ll talk about how I got interested in empathy in the first place.
I have to admit, the field of empathy might sound like an odd one, but I receive a great deal of energy from it. (I bet you�d be surprised how many books come up in an Amazon.com search...150!)
I acknowledge that my focused interest on empathy is not like working on finding the cure for SARS. Yet, I feel I�m contributing in some way. Perhaps 50 years from now, after several generations have applied it and made it part of their social habits, the world is a better place. Hey, don�t laugh. It�s already started�check out this firm (CASEL) whose goal is all about bringing social-emotional skills such as empathy into the K-12 curriculum. Check out also second step and self science.
Anyway, on to how I got interested in empathy. In 1990 I worked as a seminar leader for a customer service training firm. They had (and still have) a great measurement tool called the 33 Points of Magic. (Magic being short for Make A Great Impression on the Customer.) The points measure certain skills that call center reps should exhibit during a telephone call. The closer to 33, the more �magic� you are. Two of the points are to have �empathy in words� and �empathy in tone.�
What I discovered was that empathy was way more than saying �I understand your frustration� when someone is angry. It was also way more than words and way more than tone. It�s a mindset. It�s how you view yourself and others as you communicate. As I trained people to use this skill it became more and more evident to me that empathy was extremely complex and difficult to internalize, apply and teach. I aimed to make it easier. So I dived into my research. One result was this terrific book. It was truly life changing. And best of all it�s a quick read.
From there, I studied interpersonal communications skills even more deeply. I read everything I could get my hands on about listening, expressing, building relationships. And I used the seminars I taught as practice sessions. I became better and better at using empathy because as a trainer I had to model it effectively by providing an abundance of examples to suit various learning styles and use it often to aid in repetition.
I became very adept and even more interested. This led me to sales training where I stayed for about five years and read everything about selling I could.
Then the roads of empathy and sales intersected. For my graduate thesis, I chose to research the skill of empathy and whether it correlated with sales success (I found a moderate correlation) and whether it could be trained (it can). I had a blast doing my research.
After I left the sales training field I decided I wanted to focus strictly on empathy and it�s impact on building relationships. As luck would have it I began working for the customer service training firm again as an independent contractor and also began working with author Andrew LeCompte. Andy�s brilliant book �Creating Harmonious Relationships� was a result of having studied directly with Marshall Rosenberg, founder of the Center for Non-Violent Communication (CNVC). This book was also life changing and today I use Andy�s model frequently. And, let me tell you, the results can be magical. Another great book during this time was "The Power of Empathy."
From there I discovered that empathy falls under a larger umbrella of emotional intelligence (EQ). I began research and independent study in this area that led me to become certified to deliver an emotional intelligence assessment called MSCEIT, a skill-based assessment for measuring emotional intelligence. Also, for substantially more information on the MSCEIT, check David Caruso�s website (a co-developer of the MSCEIT assessment and my instructor at the certification workshop).
So, as I reach my thirteenth year of active involvement in the field, I can say that I�ve learned empathy is vast in its impact, can be learned and becomes easier the more you use it. Alas, I don�t always tap into empathy and apply it because sometimes it can be difficult (coincidentally those times when it�s impact is most needed). I suppose it�s because I�m only human and fallible. But, I make a conscious effort to make it part of my communicating habits as consistently as possible. Best of all, I can coach other people on how to use it. And I enjoy that process a lot.
Thanks Sharon, for your thoughtful words. I'm glad to know the field of empathy has impacted you as it has me. And I loved your book recommendation. I quickly added Harriet Lerner's book to my Amazon.com's wish list. Looks very interesting. As for future blogs on empathy....any suggestions? What areas should I investigate further?
Thanks for commenting on MY blog, Martha. Bert and I had to change part of the set-up on it and so it was lost in the process. Fortunately, I did print it out because we knew it would be deleated.
I really enjoyed reading YOUR blog on EMPATHY. I became interested in empathy many years ago too--(probably in 1985), when I went through a training program to work with Hospice patients and subsequently thereafter when I was a co-facillitator training other Hospice Volunteers. One of the major components of our training program, in addition to the importance of developing "basic listening skills", was understanding and realizing "empathy". We learned that empathy was an acquired skill, used to tune in to and understand each other's feelings; empathy involves a 4-part process of activities: tune in to yourself, express yourself,tune in to others, respond with understanding; empathy is a very powerful resource for building relationships, and is the foundation for us to really help one another. I haven't thought about those classes in a long time.
Another part of your blog, also of great interest to me was your mention of the book, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen.....20th Anniversary Edition. About 18 years ago, when our daughters were 2 & 5, I bought that very book and attempted to savor every word. Many times I was able to utilize the advice so profoundly spoken throughout the pages; unfortunately, many times when I "was in the moment" I forgot just what empathy was. Like you said, we are all only human and cannot "always tap into empathy and apply it because sometimes it can be difficult". I tried to make a conscious effort to use empathy in my everyday communication whether it was with my children, my husband, my Hospice patients or others I met during the day--- not always applying it as well as I could have. Hopefully this "acquired" habit has remained a part of mea good part of the time. Nevertheless, I'm glad I'm consciously thinking about it again.
So, I love your subject! I went to the library yesterday and found one of your recommendations, "The Power of Empathy". I'm currently reading a book you may be interested in---"The Dance of Connection" by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. It's about how we communicate in difficult relationships. Maybe you've already read it. I'm only into the 6th chapter but I think it's engaging and something you might also enjoy if you haven't.
I found your blog an interesting correlation between your study and use of empathy and mine. Thanks for reintroducing me to this most significant topic. I'm looking foreward to your
future blogs on the subject.