Communicating with emotional intelligence takes practice and discussion. In this blog, I hope to do just that: I�ll present an interaction between two people and invite you to practice along with me (because I�m always learning too). What would be the emotionally intelligent thing to say/do?
It was a hot summer day and a friend of mine was at the counter waiting to pay for something at the local pharmacy, when a woman storms up to the cashier�s counter. The women complains loudly to the clerk at the counter, �One of your customers has left their child in their car!�
My friend remarks, �Now, what charm school did you attend?� �I suppose it�s your child?� she snaps back. �No, but you�ve got a hell of a way of making your point,� and my friend leaves.
Communicating with emotional intelligence take practice (and sometimes it's best to practice on strangers so when you get an opportunity to use it on others in a more important situation, it comes more smoothly.) Both parties in this interaction perhaps could have chosen differently. What do you think?
According to John Mayer http://www.unh.edu/psychology/fac_mayer.htm and Peter Salovey, who are the seminal researchers in the field of emotional intelligence, EQ is the ability to understand your own and others emotions and to use emotions to think more effectively.
Even more specifically,
- EQ means accurately identifying emotions in people�and this includes yourself. This entails asking yourself: What is this person feeling? What am I feeling?
- EQ means being able to generate an emotion in others and/or yourself and solve problems with that emotion. This entails asking yourself: What feeling can I try to encourage � or remove � in me, or the other, in order to solve this problem?
- EQ means understanding the causes of emotions. This entails asking yourself: Where are these emotions coming from in this other person and/or in me?, I.e., Why does this person feel so strongly?
- EQ means selecting strategies that result in positive outcomes. This entails asking yourself : What strategy � could it be support, empathy, anger, teaming up, abandoning, etc. � would help result in a positive outcome?.
Notice that EQ doesn�t mean saying exactly what you are feeling at the exact moment you feel it. And it doesn't necessarily mean "being nice."
This is where I believe most people can get the most out of emotional intelligence. In other words, it not just about identifying an emotion and going with it, it�s about strategizing what you will say (or do) next, regardless of how strong another emotion or set of emotions might be, in order to reach a positive outcome.
Saying exactly what you are feeling at the exact moment you feel it isn�t a very effective strategy because 9 times out of 10, we communicate with the intent to influence, lead, connect, build trusting relationships, make a request, gain cooperation, reach a solution, resolve conflict, and so on. In other words, if the goal of communicating were simply to vent, then angry words would be sufficient. But, chances are, that�s not the only reason we communicate. So, emotionally intelligent communicating is communicating in a way that fits the situation, not simply communicating what comes to mind emotionally.
This can be difficult because sometimes the words you want to say have to be censored, suppressed, tweaked, and edited, just to name a few. Now, I�m not saying you should suppress your emotions�..rather, I�m saying that you should think (ergo, the word �intelligence� in the phrase emotional intelligence) about what you are going to say (or do) next, and make it fit the situation.
OK, so you might be thinking, how can all this processing be accomplished in a matter of a few short seconds, at best? My best answer: Have faith your brain can do the processing! If it hasn�t been able to up to this point, could it be because you haven�t given it the task? In other words, �vee have ze technology!� And it�s pretty powerful. And sometimes, it means replaying a scene over and over again in your head, and figuring out more emotionally intelligent alternatives.
So, take either the woman�s place (or my friend�s). Would you have said and done the same thing? Or something different? I�d love to hear what strategies you might take for either the woman or my friend�s position that would constitute an emotionally intelligent alternative.
Since the children in the car were in immediate danger because of heat, ventilation, etc., the first woman should have called 911 or asked the clerk to call. If she didn't, your friend should have suggested this action to her. If she failed to initiate a 911 call, your friend should ask the clerk or do it herself.
This would have required your friend to recognize the emotional response the first woman was having to the dangerous situation and then to generate the appropriate, intelligent action.
Further, it seems that the best way to increase your emotional intelligence is the same as the best way to get to Carnegie Hall: practice, practice, practice. This way, the appropriate responses get swept into your subconscious and you become unconsiously emotionally intelligent - at least for the more obvious cases - thus leaving your conscious brain to process the difficult ones.